The Bully and Me

Every October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month with schools and other organisations using it as a reason to talk about and confront the ongoing issue of bullying.

So why is this important to me – in my 30s, a business owner and now a parent? It’s important because I was bullied throughout my school life and it has left its mark. 

Even today, now that I realise how resilient and determined this experience has made me, I still feel wounded. I intend to stand up and be counted to help others and also to empower my own daughter when it comes to confronting, dealing with and spotting bullies. 

The aim of this awareness month is clear: 

“…to encourage schools, communities and organisations to work together to stop bullying and cyberbullying and put an end to hatred and racism by increasing awareness of the prevalence and impact of all forms of bullying on children of all ages.”

I was bullied in the 1990s and it was difficult to deal with then. However, it appears little has changed.

In 2019, a study found one fifth of young people in the UK had been bullied in that year.

The survey found:

• The most common type of bullying was verbal, with cyberbullying the least common.
• Of those bullied, 33% said they had suicidal thoughts’ 41% were left feeling anxious
• 62% were bullied by classmates, and 37% by someone at school they didn’t know.
• Nearly 59% believed people’s attitude towards their appearance caused the bullying
• In the majority of cases, males were more likely to exhibit negative attitudes than females. 

My experiences of being bullied at school:

I was bullied, both physically and mentally during my time at school, pretty much from the age of 9 up until 15. For me it centred around one particular person with others floating in and out of numerous incidents. My parents tried to intervene, my school tried to intervene yet it kept on going.

It finally stopped when I was put in hospital and the school finally expelled the girl who was bullying me. 

Every day, I lived in fear going to and from school. No matter how hard I tried to keep my head down, go un-noticed, I would always be a target for some reason or another.

Some of the things that happened were: 

• Bricks thrown at our windows, so I didn’t feel safe at home. 
• The tyres of my parents and grandparents’ cars were both slashed. 
• I was removed from classes so the bullies couldn’t get to me, rather than them being removed. 
• Numerous attempts to set my hair on fire. 
• Threats to ‘beat me up’ on the way home from school or if I went to a youth club or park. 

The stubborn side of me always went out any way yet the price I paid, was living in fear of what was going to happen – every, single day.

The final straw, and when the police were involved, was when I was repeatedly hit around the head with the wooden triangle you use in pool/snooker, until the triangle broke. I ended up with 13 stitches in my head, black eyes, nerve damage and a stay in hospital. 

I lived in fear for six years! I don’t want this for anyone and I don’t want it for my child.

What it was like for my best friend to watch this happen to me:

How does it feel being the friend of somebody being bullied as kids? Pretty impossible really... you know the right thing to do and you want to do it, but standing up to a bully puts you in a vulnerable place. What if they start bullying me? What if they hurt me? So as a kid I know for a fact that I didn’t do enough for Jodie.

I met Jodie on our first day of school at 4 years old and more than 30 years later she is one of my dearest friends. She is bright, successful, stubborn and determined. I can’t remember exactly when the bullying started, I can’t remember if it built up from something smaller and then gradually turned into something ugly. But I will never forget those girls.

Back then, in secondary school, people wanted to impress them. They saw them as the ‘popular ones’. Only now in adult life do I realise that it was all borne out of fear that if you didn’t worship them, they could make your life hell.

Nobody wanted to be ‘the chosen one’. Unfortunately, the chosen one was Jodie. Not for any reason that I have ever known; I’ve no idea why they picked her. There was nothing about Jodie that made her stand out as an obvious target. They just needed to have someone, someone who they could pick away at slowly and deliberately.

Over time, the severity got worse... cornering her in a room, taunting her after school in the park. I remember once they stole her hairband. Full of bravado and determined to finally do something to stand up to them, I marched on down to the park to find them. I found them by the skateboard ramp. They chased me and had me trapped at the top of the ramp for over an hour. I was too scared to come down and they just waited at the bottom laughing. They got bored eventually and left. I never got Jodie’s hairband back.

By late secondary school, it got more serious. Physical. Violent. They smashed her across the head with a wooden pool triangle. She went to hospital and the police got involved.

I can’t believe it ever had to get that far. It makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Why should anybody have to endure that and also what ever happened to these kids to make them behave in such a cruel manner?

About 10 years ago our old secondary school was being knocked down to make way for a shiny new building and all ex students were invited along for a trip down memory lane before demolition began. I went with Jodie and even that many years later, the harmful memories were clear to see. Her memories of her time at school are dark and painful. They took that time away from her.

It is easy now to look back and say ‘look who came out on top’. Jodie has a beautiful daughter, a marriage, her own business and is surrounded by love. The bullies have experienced prison, life on the streets and loneliness. But I know there are many flecks of Jodie’s personality that have been shaped by the way she was treated. Her determination to prove to the world she can achieve anything. Her constant need for perfection.

I am proud beyond words of what she has achieved. Of the successful business woman and super mum she has become. But even prouder of the way she has held her head high.

With each knock back she has kept moving forwards. Jodie, my best friend, has come out on top.

The Views of my Life Coach

Jodie bravely sought my help after she left school. It was, and is still self-evident, that the horrific experiences she has endured both at school, and subsequently at work, have fundamentally altered and shaped her outlook, and character.

Bullying usually has a profoundly negative impact on any person’s self-esteem, and Jodie was no exception. Bullying, (which is simply another form of reprehensible abuse), generates the repeated internal negative dialogue which says, ‘Why me? What is wrong with me?’, and if there is no prompt satisfactory solution forthcoming from those in positions of authority, inevitably the beliefs that ‘Something must be wrong with me. Maybe I deserve this somehow’, can easily arise from the depths of despair.

This results not only in a low mood and depression, but also a lack of trust in the system, which is supposedly designed to help protect the rights of all. It will never work unless the majority stand up and call out bullying wherever it occurs.

One method of self-protection involves refusing to let others show just how one is hurt by cruel taunts about one’s appearance and circumstances, internalising hurt and pain, which makes sharing feelings and emotions in any relationship very difficult indeed.

Many reading this, may identify with some or all the issues raised above. Bullying can leave a person hurt and reeling psychologically, emotionally, as well as physically.

Jodie, (like any human being who had suffered even an iota of what she went through), was I am sad to say, significantly and adversely affected by all the above.

However, Jodie differs from many, in that deep within her character there was always a spark of defiance; a tiny burning candle which refused to be extinguished by all the darkness; a stubbornness that refused to accept the status quo, and sought help and fought to overcome all the wounds bullying had left.

With time, and talking, and many homework tasks, gradually Jodie began to turn things around.

Uncertainty of her true worth, was gradually turned into a fiery, focused drive. Constant self-doubt, little by little has and is being turned into a burning curiosity and desire to learn and improve every aspect of her life and business, and to correct every adverse issue relevant to any and every domain of her life.

There is no part of bullying which is in any way positive, but if like Jodie, you do not want to spend your whole life feeling victimised, you too should seek help and support, and you too can overcome life’s obstacles and reach for your dreams, developing unconquerable resilience, reaching for the sky, and ultimately achieving your goal of reaching it.

Doing nothing is choosing to remain a victim – and it is a choice.

After all, the best form of revenge against any type of bully, is unqualified success. It all starts with a decision to stop feeling like a victim and start to take control of your life and quash the negativity left by the bullies. Do not let them win.

As a person, as a woman, Jodie is an inspiration – truly exceptional, and I am proud to call her a great friend. I am even more proud, that she has not forgotten her roots and her past, and actively campaigns to prevent anyone else suffering the torment she endured.

And when you too succeed, please share your story with others and campaign against bullying. Yes, recovery is tough, yes, it is a long road, …but even the longest journey begins with the first step.

Bullying in the workplace:

Sadly, bullying doesn’t stop at school, it can happen in the workplace too where it can be more covert, subtle yet just as damaging.

According to research published by the TUC:

• Nearly 29% of people have been bullied at work
• Women (34%) are more likely to be victims than men (23%)
• The highest prevalence is among 40 to 59-year-olds, with 34% of people affected.
• In nearly 72% of cases the bullying is carried out by a manager.
• More than 36% of people who report being bullied leave their job as a result.

What does this type of bullying look like?

• Spreading malicious rumours
• Unfair treatment
• Picking on someone, or regularly undermining them.
• Denying someone training or promotion opportunities.

Bullying or harassment can happen:

• Face to face
• By letter
• By email
• By phone
• Online

My experience of workplace bullying:

The issues during my school life affected me terribly growing into an adult and I was bullied again in the work place. 

I had re-built my confidence bit by bit and at 21 years old, I started my first proper job after leaving college. I was ready and excited to start my new career. Sadly, it seemed I was in the firing line because I’ve always been driven by my ambition.

One particular lady who obviously wasn’t happy about my ambitious attitude, started belittling me and following me wherever I went to see what I was doing. She would spread rumours about me, she would follow me into the canteen to see what I was having for lunch and with whom I was eating. Even when I moved departments to get away from her she went to my new manager to continue these rumours. 

For some reason, I have come across this type of behaviour over and over again for most of my career. I had to ask is it me? Or is it them? The answer lies in this – it’s both. I have had to learn that some people will be threatened by someone who is perceived, rightly or wrongly, to be more proactive or more ambitious or simply a bit cocky.

What have I done about it?

Rather than let these experiences curtail my ambition and ruin my personal life, I have taken control of my career and set up my own business. In doing so I’ve taken control of my own ambition and have only to prove myself to – myself.

As a result of running my own business, I’ve found through personal development that bullies are easier to spot and easier to walk away from. Running my own show means that I can align myself with those who are caring, compassionate and who welcome, rather than fear, ambition and drive.

This is the best thing I could ever have done, and my business is growing from strength to strength. I haven’t let the bullies define my life, or me!